Parenthood is about
guiding the next generation while forgiving the last....Peter Krause
(This blog is the second in my series on men and mortality, the first one being A Matter of Life and Death)
And more importantly
(This blog is the second in my series on men and mortality, the first one being A Matter of Life and Death)
After watching the critically acclaimed Shoojit Sircar’s
‘Piku’ on DVD last week, (I had missed it when it released in the theatres), I
was seriously struck with wonder why it had taken someone this long to take up
and discuss a common household theme such as this.
For those who haven’t
seen the film, here’s an intro. ‘Piku’ is about the antics of an obstinate,
fussy septuagenarian ‘babu moshai’
called Bhask’o’r Bannerjee (Amitabh
Bachchan), his persistent potty problems and the generally hard time he gives his unmarried
daughter Piku (Deepika Padukone), with whom he lives.
Although the movie is titled Piku, it’s really about her
irrepressible father, who shamelessly talks about his bowel movement at the
dining table, discusses the colour and consistency of his potty over phone with
his daughter when she is on a date, and even resorts to childish antics like
sneaking the salt container from the kitchen (for health reasons). To top it
all, he is obnoxious enough to snitch about his daughter’s sexual independence to
a prospective groom!
In short, Bhaskor Bannerjee is nothing like you’ve ever seen
on screen but everything like your grandfather, grandmother, father,
father-in-law, mother-in-law or an ageing uncle probably is.
What is refreshing about the movie is that it boldly
deviates from the stereo-type of selfless and sacrificing parents, willing to
die at the altar of parenthood, that we Indians are so obsessed with. Not so,
with our Bhaskor with the ‘o’. He is everything that our beloved screen father
‘Alok Nath’ is not. On the contrary,
Bhaskor is an obstinate, insecure hypochondriac, who wishes to live his life on
his own terms, undeterred by the fact that his
terms may be totally unacceptable to his near and dear.
Shoojit deserves nothing short of a standing ovation for his
brilliant characterisation of Bhaskor, played to the hilt by Amitabh. Encore,
Mr. Bachchan!
Now, for the subtext of the movie. If you cared to dig deeper, below the facade
of toilet humour, the movie raises some serious and socially relevant
questions:
·
Are parents right in demanding support from
their children in their old age?
·
Is it fair to expect children to subjugate their
interests to their parents’?
And more importantly
·
Does old age have to be disgraceful?
In the movie, Bhaskor tells Piku, “I’ve taken care of you
when you were a child, I expect the same from you now (in my old age).” On this
premise, he assumes the licence to invade his daughter’s privacy, trouble her
at her workplace or make unreasonable demands from her, in total disregard of
her needs and feelings.
This kind of quid pro quo that parents expect from their
children is one of the reasons why many families in our society are entangled
in unhappy relationships.
The root to the problem lies in the fact that we Indians are
in the habit of deifying and romanticising everything. Right from childhood,
we’re fed on stories about the ever obedient Ram and the story of Shravana
Kumar who dedicated his life to care for his aged blind parents.
Check this article by
Devdutt Patnaik on the ‘Yayati’ complex that Indian men suffer from http://devdutt.com/articles/myth-theory/from-oedipus-to-yayati.html.
But, the reality is that parenting is something that all
living beings on this planet do. It is not an exclusive obligation
of humans.
Watch the first two and
last two minutes (1:58 to 3:20 minutes and 48:51 to 51:01 minutes) of this BBC
video to appreciate how the Emperor Penguins brave a harsh Antarctic winter to
ensure the safe arrival of their progeny into this world.
Stripped off social trappings, the relationship between a
parent and child is the most real one in our natural world. To ruin the
beautiful relationship with ugly and unreal expectations on both sides is such
a shame.
Like somebody said, expectations are premeditated resentments.
Expectations kill personal freedom, strangle individuality, hold people’s
emotions to ransom and ruin relationships.
This is a serious issue in today’s age of hyper parenting,
where we want to control the lives of our children right from the moment they
are born. We expect our children to conform to our idea of them.
While I won’t say parents can’t have any expectations from their offspring, their
expectations should be realistic and not tantamount to exacting a pound of
flesh.
Agreed, parenting is serious business and parents are
utterly responsible for their children. But that is only till their children reach an age when they can manage their own
lives. But once they become independent (physically, mentally and economically),
parenting is really about letting them go.
In one of his talks, Sadguru Jaggi Vasudev (of Isha
Foundation) warns against parents claiming ownership over their children;
parents, he says, should remember that they are not the creators of their
children (life) but only the facilitators of their passage into this world.
Does all this mean that we dump our ageing parents or expect
similar treatment from our children? No!
Only an unwanted piece of luggage is jettisoned. It is up to the parents
to ensure that they don’t become or act like one.
This calls for some advance mental preparation. To start
with, accepting the fact that ageing is inevitable and resisting it is
pointless, helps. Next, parents should learn to respect the boundaries of their
children’s lives and make way for the next generation to bloom. In other words,
they should conduct themselves in such a way that their acts and thoughts are
not self-centred but forward looking.
At the risk of sounding scandalous, in this context, I would
even say retirement or senior citizen homes are not a bad idea for those who
can afford one. These homes allow older people to live a life of dignity and distance
themselves from the various inter-generational conflicts that would arise if
they chose to live in an extended family. In short, these homes can well substitute for
‘vanaprastham’.
Hear Jaggi Vasudev's take on old age homes. (Tamil)
Coming back to Piku, apart
from his dominating nature, the other major problem that Bhaskor suffers from
is his refusal to let go off his worldly possessions. While he lives with his
daughter in Delhi, he owns an old house in Kolkata that he won’t allow to be sold.
But, this family heirloom has no place in Piku's life, and
she finds the house a big nuisance. This is a classic problem faced by many families. The
elders in the family want to leave behind a legacy in their remembrance after their death. But this legacy can often end up as a liability for the next
generation.
Here, I think we should take a leaf out of Gandhi’s life. He
had reportedly mandated that after his death, all his works (and hence
thoughts) be burned down along with him on his funeral pyre. With this kind of moral
power of let go, it is small wonder why he was hailed as a Mahatma!
Final thoughts... We live only one life. Let’s live it well. But, when our time is up,
let’s accept it, wipe our slate clean and exit gracefully, leaving the next
generation to live their life as they want to.
I’d like to end with Osho’s words on ‘The way of the Zen’ - "The
bird flying across the sky leaves no footprints. This is called ‘the way of the
birds’ – simply disappearing into the nothingness of the sky, without leaving a
trace behind.“
Amen!
