Of Ki & Ka and us androgynous Indians

Finally caught up on the movie ‘Ki & Ka’ on DVD after having missed it in the cinemas.

For those who haven't watched it, it is about a young man Ka(bir)  (Arjun Kapoor) who sets aside an IIM degree and  a super rich dad, choosing instead to become a 'house husband' for the successful career woman Ki(a), (Kareena Kapoor).

Why?!

Simply because his mom is his inspiration and he aspires to be a home-maker like her.

Well, why not?! If a woman can get into a man territory, why can't a man get into a woman’s?

Good enough start, but not before long, the couple get embroiled in a battle of envy, jealousy and ego that threaten to destroy their partnership. Of course, the knots do get disentangled along the way and the movie ends on a happy note. But not before Ki's wise(!) mom reminds us that in our society, the economic contributor has always had an upper hand over other members whose services cannot be assigned an economic value.

At the outset, the idea of social role reversals and flipped power equations seems like an all new concept. But, when you really think about it, you realise that it is not!

The ‘Ki’s & ‘Ka’s have been around us for a long time! Only we haven’t noticed!

Ki & Ka have a long history

Culturally, we Indians are somewhat androgynous people, who hate to be boxed or typecast (we even have an androgynous God – Ardhanaareshwara). And we also loathe boundaries of all sorts. (which is why we hate rules and rarely follow any, and our chickens cross over the fence into our neighbour’s farm all the time :)) 

So, our men and women stray into each other’s territory all the time.

Even our Gods switched roles (and sexuality) if the situation demanded it!

For example, the South Indian pantheon of Hindu Gods includes a female avatar of the Lord  Shiva (called ‘Mathrubhootham’ in Sanskrit or ‘Thayumaanavar Swamy’ in Tamil – literally meaning ‘one who in the form of a mother’). Legend has it that one of Shiva’s ardent devotees went into labour with her child, but her mother could not reach her on time for help. So the Lord himself took the form of her mother, rushed to his distressed devotee and helped her deliver the child safely. 

Coming down to lesser mortals, in the paddy growing regions of South India, the economic roles of men and women in the working class were never quite rigidly defined because women worked alongside men on the fields. Farming as an economic activity thus relied heavily on the woman’s contribution.

As a result, we have had our share of matriarchs in a supposedly patriarchal society. In the yester years, when women didn't die of childbirth at an early age (the single largest reason for their mortality), they frequently outlived their much older husbands. Hence, it was not uncommon for women to be left behind with their husband's estate to fend for after his demise. 

Such was the case with my great grandmother’s sister. She was widowed at a fairly young age. Her husband not only left her childless, but also with the arduous responsibility of managing large tracts of agricultural land on her own. To make matters worse, she also went fully blind from cataract, which had no cure in those days. But she did not let the handicap come in her way. She successfully took care of her husband’s estate till her last breath before passing it on to an adopted son.That was no mean feat in those days! And, she was not even literate!

If this was an example of a woman venturing into man’s territory, tales of widowed men doubling up as the woman of the house to raise their children were not uncommon either.

In fact, even today, in several conservative South Indian households, the man of the house takes over the kitchen and other domestic responsibilities every month when the woman of the house has her menstrual periods, and needs rest.

The point is, role reversals and load sharing happened seamlessly, without any declarations or fanfare.

And balance of power was maintained in the household.

Sometimes, it was the woman who dominated the household and sometimes it was the man. In Tamil Nadu, a household where a woman calls the shots is jocularly alluded to as ‘Madurai’. This is in reference to the temple town of Madurai where the chief presiding deity of the temple is Goddess Meenakshi, and not Shiva as in most Shaivite temples. 

Surely, a woman-dominated household must have been a common enough phenomenon to have earned a nickname!

As opposed to the working class, where women were significant economic contributors, an upper class household (where the women did not assist men on fields) had more rigid roles for men and women. But that did not necessarily skew power equations in the household.

An upper class house had clear territorial allocation for men and women. The front part of the house belonged to the man. You could rarely find young women here. (Older women were, however, an exception.) And, the rear part of the house was the woman’s domain, particularly the kitchen, which the man rarely entered. 

But, womenfolk exercised sufficient control over their men by controlling the food they fed them. In some cases, errant men are known to have been reined in by reducing the salt in their food, which rendered the men weaker and hence more amenable to falling in line. With the female and male territory marked geo-spatially, the matriarch of the household also got to control the private time men got to spend with their wives by citing good and bad days for sexual intimacy.  

Game, set and match!

Of course, disintegration of joint families and the shift from an agrarian/pastoral economy has significantly altered the social roles played by men and women. While the agricultural age saw women as parallel, if not equal economic contributors, the industrial age bypassed most women, thus reducing their economic value-add to the family. Nuclearisation of households during this phase also meant that the responsibility of child-rearing fell entirely upon the woman of the house, leaving her with very little time for economic pursuits. 

But even the industrial age was not without its exceptions, as the Tamil novel 'Thaayumaanavan’ by the renowned author Balakumaran illustrates. Apparently set sometime in the active trade unionism days of the 1970-80s, the novel tells the story of a man who is forced to stay out of work because of a prolonged lockout in his factory. To make ends meet, his wife takes up employment, while he cheerfully assumes the responsibility of running the household. The novel talks about the challenges he faces as a home maker and his positive attitude that helps him sort out his new role.

More recently, we saw a rerun of similar episodes during the period of the global financial meltdown of 2008-09. Several men working in the financial services and related sectors lost their jobs and ended up handling the domestic responsibilities while their working spouses became the sole bread winners for the household.

So it seems the story of Ki & Ka is not as new as it is made out to be, but has been told before, time and again.